…because comics always look better through the bottom of the glass

If there is one thing I like more than comics, its Booze. If there is one thing I like more than Booze, its Superheros who Booze. These are the pick of the boozy bunch. 

1. John Constantine: Hellblazer 

 

Of all the characters I’ll talk about here, Mr Constantine is probably the one who has pulled off the most impressive drinking feat of all time. John Constantine is a British fighting magician, the sort of chap who has to protect his clients from ghosts, demons and solve paranormal crimes. He was also in a terrible film a few years back which was enough to drive anyone to drink. But in issue 42 Constantine has hit a bit of a low point, he is dying of lung cancer. Naturally he is pretty pissed off, and so goes on a week-long bender, ending up in Ireland with an old friend of his who is also a raging alcoholic and magician. His friend has built his house over an ancient well that St. Patrick had blessed as a shrine, and they use a little bit of magic to turn the holy water into the purist most lovely Guinness. Then what should happen, but Constantine’s chum dies while boozing (he had liver failure) and the Devil turns up to collect on his soul. Naturally, the pissed up Constantine takes this chance to have a drink with the devil, as you would. Sadly for the devil, he doesn’t realise the Guinness is really holy water, and it burns straight through him, forcing him back down to hell, and he is unable to collect his chums eternal soul, which we presume staggers merrily off to heaven. So there we go, Constantine tricks the devil, and shares a pint with him, all while smashed off his face. You wouldn’t see Superman doing anything like that. 

2. Guardians of the Galaxy 

He wants to be a Tree.

 

The Guardians of the Galaxy are a small team of heros who fight against intergalactic threats. They have a King-God-Tree-man in the team called Groot, and a talking Raccoon called Rocket Raccoon. Before and after each mission they all head down to Starlin’s Bar which is located inside the disembodied head of a gigantic interdimensional celestial which is also their HQ, (head-quarters, geddit!?! Boom Boom!) and they get smashed. Groot, being about 20 foot tall and a tree naturally drinks out of a massive glass about the size of a shower cubicle, and because he is a traditionalist he has a full size umbrella sticking out of the top of his cocktail. 

3. Wolverine 

He's the best there is at what he does, and what he does is Drink and Fight.

 

Wolverine from the X-Men is never happiest than when he is kicking back with a cigar and a pint. Or a bottle, since Americans don’t know what a proper pint is. Then again, he is Canadian, so he might know whats what when it comes to the beer. But anyway, since his mutant power is an enhanced healing factor, its incredibly difficult for him to get pissed, his body metabolizes the alcohol too quickly. This little problem was looked at in two short stories in Wolverine #900, an over-sized anthology of Wolverine tales. In one little story by Marc Bernardin and Pow Rodrix, Wolverine heads out for a drink with a chap who’s own mutant power is to suppress anyone elses mutant power, so long as they remain within 10 feet of him. So once a year Wolvie and this guy Chet go out on the lash. Theres a nice little montage of shots being downed, Wolverine gets mad at a jukebox because there’s no country music on it, he chats up some sluts, he gets into a fight with some naughty men, gets set on fire, then gets put in a taxi and sent home. Next day, Chet meets up with Wolverine again to give him back his jacket, and Chet has realised that he needs to stop getting pushed around and be a little more like the impulsive and reckless Wolverine, and so they go off together to watch Chet quit his job and go drinking. Simple, effective, and fun. The Lesson: Booze makes you want to quit your job. In the second story, Wolverine tricks Spider-man into coming out to a bar with him, because its his birthday, and he has no one else to drink with. There is one fantastic page where within 4 panels Wolverine is sober, he downs a bottle of bourbon and gets smashed, sobers up, and gets a hangover. In the space of 2 minutes. What a guy. 

4. Ultimate Iron Man (Tony Stark) 

Balls of Iron

 

In the Marvel Universe in the 80’s Tony Stark got addicted to the bottle and went a bit off the rails. He now no longer drinks. But in the Ultimate Marvel universe (started in the year 2000, as a reboot of Marvel’s greatest characters) Tony is still slamming down the vodkas like the cocky playboy he should be. Apparently it has something to do with the fact he has a brain tumor that might finish him off at any minute, so he lives for the moment and keeps reaching for the glass. When we first meet Tony in The Ultimates #2 he is climbing out of his Iron Man suit and demanding Vodka and Orange cocktails. 

Nick Fury: “Vodka and orange? But its 10am, Tony!”  

“Not in Moscow, old boy…Cheers, by the way!” 

Next, in issue 4, right on the first page he is floating about in space on a shuttle with Shannon Elizabeth (off of the American Pie) and drinking champagne from little vacuum packed bags. It’s then revealed he had to have a few glasses of booze to give him a bit of Dutch courage before heading into a fight with the Hulk, who very nearly tore his head off.  When preparing to face off against an Alien/Nazi invasion in the works since WW2, Tony is seen keenly downing vodkas. 

Black Widow: “..do you really think it is wise to knock back so many vodkas before you fly that thing [the iron man suit]?” 

Tony: Oh absolutely darling, In fact, its essential…I mean, who in their right mind’s going to climb into it sober??” 

He then gets pissed at the White House and attempts to sleep with George Bush Jr’s wife. I like the cut if this man’s jibb. 

5.  The Incredible Hercules 

Gallons of Ale? Check. Skimpy Skirt? Check. Small Child holding a puppy? Check. Welcome to Wetherspoons.

Hercules! You know him from fighting Lions and cutting up Hydras in Greek Mythology, and for his prodigious drinking in Marvel Comics. The most amusing little drinking escapade he gets caught up in is also included here because he also gets his end away. So, Hercules and Thor end up facing down some Asgardian Frost Giants, apparently Hercules has challenged them to a fight. Thor gets all jigged up and ready to smash some heads in with his hammer, but it’s quite another sort of contest that Hercules has planned. They face down three Frost giants, and a table full of gigantic bottles of booze. So they tip glasses! Glug Glug Glug Glug….. 

And Hercules and Thor win! They out booze the Giants! And as a prize, they get carried off to bed by the drunken frost giants girlfriends, who are up for a bit of a seeing to. And as the God’s are whisked off to bed with some enormous women, they utter the immortal line…..”hoooooo! HA!”. I know I would all be whooping and cheering as I got carried off to be fucked by women who were 8 or 9 times the size of me, and I’m glad Hercules is no different. 

6. Fear Agent: Heath Houston! 

Drink! Fly Spaceship! Crash! Drink!

Heath Houston is the last remaining Fear Agent in the galaxy! Its his job to scoot about the universe killing dangerous aliens who are causing trouble. He flys about in a spaceship which is programed with the artificial personality of Heath’s dead wife, who died in the invasion of the planet earth, along with his is son, and 90% of the Human race. He gets shot through time and space on a regular basis, rarely knowing whats going on. He is also responsible for the mass extinction of a whole alien race, and arguably the human race as well, and he has also just met up with his presumed dead wife who hates him and is with another man.

How does he cope?

 He drinks bottles of Jack Daniels through a straw . His job doesn’t cause him problems because he is drunk, he has these problems because he isn’t Drunk Enough. Heath Houston is the sort of man Han Solo could have been before he ended up hanging about with Luke Skywalker and gettin’ his ear bent by Princess Leia.

7. Jonah Hex 

He takes life with a pinch of salt...a slice of lemon, and 6 shots of tequila.

Every issue of Jonah Hex features him downing booze at one point or other, but one issue stands out as a particularly booze interval in his bounty hunting career. Issue 30 ‘Luck Runs Out’ focuses on a team of bank robbers who turn up in a tiny desert outpost to make off with the cash and disappear into the Wild West. Jonah Hex is in the same town, on an enormous bender after his wife runs off with his child. Apparently, he rolled into town, bought all the bottles of whiskey, took them to a hotel room and hasn’t been seen for 3 days. The outlaws need Hex’s horse to escape, so decide to kill him while unconscious to keep him off their backs. The first thug to enter his room gets a broken bottle stabbed in his neck, causing all the blood to spurt out the neck (of the bottle) in amusing fashion. Hex also punches the goon in the neck wound a few times as well for disturbing his drinking. The practically unconsciously drunk Hex then proceeds to wipe out the rest of the gang, before shooting down the leader in a showdown. 

“God damn it, you don’t even have anything worth stealing!” yells the gang leader moments before he gets pumped full of lead.

“Sure I do…Ah got ma reputation.” A reputation for being the most surly, grumpy drinker in the whole of the comic book industry. And with that Jonah Hex presumably wanders back to the bar.

Published in: on July 25, 2010 at 9:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

Tony Stark’s Powerful Rod

Iron Man Noir #2

 

It’s been a long wait, but finally Iron Man Noir 2 pokes his head about the parapet and dashes out into the comic shops! Last time we left Mr Stark and Pepper Potts heading off to find Atlantis, pursued by some furious Nazis, so how have they fared this month eh? 

We kick things off this issue with Stark and Pepper aboard ‘The Lady Dorma’ yacht under Captain Namor, the stern and mysterious pirate commander, whose crew slit their ears so they resemble shark fins. The vessel is heading out from Spain into the atlantic searching for the sunken city of Atlantis, where a nice helpful bit of exposition from Stark to Pepper shows us how the Atlanteans had a powerful metal called Orichalcum which acted as an enormous superconductor, powering their great city. The center of the city held a temple, and inside this temple was a vast statue of Poseidon and his trident was made from Orichalcum. Sadly, the conductive nature of the metal played merry havoc with the oceans, and eventually caused a vortex which sucked the city under the waves. 

Thank goodness then, that Stark has an underwater submersible (the Happy Hogan) to travel down under the surface and locate the sunken city, much to everyone’s surprise. The orichalcum trident is located, captured, and they return to the Lady Dorma. But all is not well! They have been traced by the Nazis, and the Lady Dorma is sunk, apparently with Stark and his motley crew all aboard! What is their fate?! We will have to read next month to find out! Pow! 

It’s another absolutely riveting romp through 1940’s Marvel Universe, chock full of classic pulp scenarios from the stern captain Namor with his surprisingly swift and nimble craft, to the Jules Verne-esque diving bell which locates the vast sunken city, its everything a matinée adventure title needs to be. Theres more mysteries as to why the Nazi’s need the orichalcum, (to power some sinister technological juggernaut??) how Stark will survive being blown up with his dodgy ticker doing him no favours, and to the real mystery of where the hell is the Iron Man suit? 

The one downer this issue is the sad fact that the suit has still yet to make a proper appearance. We have caught a glimpse of it in action in the first issue, but only for a matter of pages. Hopefully we are building up to a balls-to-the-wall robotic smack down with Iron Man facing a Nazi robot in the final issue, (Iron Man vs. The Iron Cross, how bout that for a title!) but so far for a story called ‘Iron Man Noir’ we have seen very little of the titular character. Again the artwork is beautifully suited to the over-the-top adventure we are reading. From the moon lit deck of the pirate ship and her rum soaked crew, to the murky depths of the sunken Atlantis and its colossal tower of shipwrecks drawn to the staff of orichalcum, its got every element you need for a thrilling old-style adventure. This is the best Indiana Jones film never made. And judging by next months issue’s cover we are finally going to be getting a bit of robot Iron Man action! 

Iron Man meets Lead Zeppelin.